Cooking the Books

Still trapped in my lair, I have finally submitted my Arts Council application. This was not easily achieved as it was repeatedly thrown back at me with various cryptic messages involving match funding and support in kind. In the end I was forced to up the artists' entrance fee to £25 in order to gain the requisite 10% match funding. But this has a ghoulish Halloween symmetry now, as effectively they will be paying not only for the disposal of their own bodies but also for their tea and biscuits. Also, and more seriously I had to lower my fee again (bloody typical) to a still respectable £88500. My emotions are mixed, I hope I have answered all the questions correctly, and I hope the application is taken seriously. I am afraid most of all that I may become a pariah but more that I will be accused of having done a bad job. A few extra paragraphs were shoehorned in just before submission, they are listed below.

The financial planning for this enterprise has been mentioned in previous sections. These figures will have to be adapted according to take up in various centres. As such I have worked on a system of assumptions based on the unit costs of general organisation (advertising, Mr Aspel's fee, PA etc.), venue hire, body disposal and purchase of nerve agent. This system allows for great flexibility in dealing with greater or lesser numbers at each venue. In addition to this the fictitious prize can be dipped into as a contingency fund if necessary.

As each artist will be bringing some sort of artwork with them to each event I envision being able to have some sort of garage sale afterwards which may raise more funds. However at the time of writing I am not sure it will be worth the effort of hiring extra transport and staff to remove the work, so instead I am considering gifting it to the nation.

Long term, the effect on my financial position will be huge, especially if I abscond with the 1 million in gold. In fact I have calculated that the amount will be sufficient for me to give up work entirely and become a full time artist for the rest of my life.

Clearly the evaluation for this project will largely be based on a body count. This quantitative data will also be backed up with a qualitative assessment which will look at the amount of news generated by the project, the relative amounts of Arts Funding freed up for the survivors and my resulting position in the art world. 

As is the case in all plans for world domination, during the project there will only be a little time for adaptation as all events will be occurring simultaneously. I do hope, however, to be able to keep in contact remotely with all venues through my network of interns and student volunteers. I am sure they can be persuaded to use their own mobiles for this purpose.
 
If the project is as successful as I hope I shall look to take it international with a funding application to the British Council.