Sunday, 5 September 2010

Grants for the Arts

Here follows a first draft of my secret plan and Arts Council Grant proposal. I did worry that revealing my plans so early might scupper them. But this didn't stop Goldfinger or Blofelt or Scaramanga or Dr No or Hugo Drax or Mr Big.

  1. In 2004 the number of artists in the East End of London alone was estimated at 10,000. Every year art schools produce thousands moreUnder current funding this number is clearly unsustainable.
  2. The world is in the grips of a global recession and Arts Funding set to suffer serious cutbacks over the next few years.
  3. In order for my stock as an artist to rise, it is necessary to remove as large a number of rivals as possible. Thus a controlled culling of a large number of artists will begin to tackle the both the national crisis and prove beneficial to my career.
  4. It is not anticipated that the public or authorities will pursue the culling of even a significant proportion of this sector। A recent article based on a survey commissioned बी the Threadneedle art prize concluded that 2/3 of the public agree with cutbacks in the arts।
The Plan

  1. To gather together and humanely destroy a large number of artists across a number of regional centres.
  2. To set up a special extermination gala event for the top 100 UK Artists.
  3. All events will run concurrently
  4. To kill those artists using nerve gas and dispose of the bodies in landfill.
  5. In each case I will reveal my plan to the assembled audience much the same way as Ian Fleming’s Goldfinger spells out his attempt on Fort Knox to his semi-unwitting accomplices (and then kills them). There is no need for this, I just want to do it.
Requirements for elimination of lesser artists.

1. The lure.
a. It is intended that this lure will also generate some funding (see match funding)
b. It will take the form of a conference entitled “Fairness in the Arts” and an open art exhibition offering the largest prize ever from such an opportunity. A submission fee of £5 will be charged. This represents one of the cheapest open exhibitions on the market and should prove popular.
c. The prize of £1,000,000 will of course never be collected.

2. Advertising.
a. Full page spreads in all of the major art publications (commissioned articles in Art Monthly, Art Review and Artists Newsletter)
b. A website and online advertising.
c. Artists will be able to pay through Paypal.

3. Large spaces in each of the main cities.
a. The hire of a large space with vehicular access
b. There will be spaces in London, Manchester, Birmingham, Bristol, Newcastle, Glasgow, Portsmouth, Cardiff, Nottingham and Cambridge.

4. The Coupe de Grace.
a. On the day of the art delivery and conference the artists will be gathered in a large hall facing a video screen.
b. All organisation and ushering will be performed by unwitting henchmen (probably students or recent graduates working on a voluntary/intern basis).
c. Before the presentation they will be invited to join in a mass artwork by climbing into the bodybags provided. (it is not anticipated that everyone will join in, but this should decrease disposal costs.
d. They will watch a video presentation explaining the real reason behind the conference. (video projector and screen)
e. Nerve gas will be released.
f. Once the gas has dissipated the bodies will be collected in trucks and added to landfill.

Requirements for elimination of top 100 artists.

This event will go much in the same way as the above with a few minor differences. It will take the form of a “This is your Life Gala Evening”, each of the artists will be invited with the suggestion that they are to be the centre of the event, this should ensure a better take up.

1. Hire of large room in smart London Hotel.
a. Hire of ushers (interns again)
b. Drinks and refreshments.
c. Building of a stage with facing rows of chairs, television cameras and large video screen.

2. 100 exclusive printed invitations each hand delivered by courier.

3. Hire of a PA to contact Artists. The PA will claim to be from “ITV” and will send invitations by personal letter, email and telephone.
a. The VIP artists will each be invited to attend a ‘Gala event’ at which they are to receive a “This is Your Life” red book.
b. As each will believe they are the centre of attention it is to be hoped they will not be suspicious that so many other artists have attended to congratulate them.
c. As the event will be “a secret” it is unlikely that there will be any discussion about how the evening is likely to unfold.

4. Hire Michael Aspel or similar tv personality for one night performance.
a. Aspel’s only function will to be to come on stage and introduce the video that will explain the real reason for the evening’s entertainment.
b. Unfortunately Aspel is likely to be a casualty.

5. Body collection
a. It is not anticipated that these artists will be persuaded to climb into body bags but as they are fewer in number this should not slow down proceedings too much.
b. Bodies to be collected by waste disposal company. (possibly offered for medical research?)

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